I ended up taking a third percocet earlier and chainsmoking and I feel relatively calmer and more contemplative than keyed up and scattered .
It is 4:15am now but I feel like I just have a lot to think about for a while and there’s no use stressing about being awake at this hour because it is what it is . and maybe I can at least be reflective and self-aware for a bit even though the timing is inconvenient . I can catch up on sleep tomorrow and hopefully recover enough to go through with my plans for tomorrow night . anything’s possible , right ?
cigarettes have made my mouth feel all yucky but I still want to keep chainsmoking for a bit longer until I don’t feel the need to anymore .
I’m thinking about conversations I want to have with a few people which always end up much more eloquent in my head… and all of those thoughts are very closely tied into my anxiety but being so heavily medicated just makes me feel peaceful and more level-headed . I feel like it’s neutralizing the ups and downs that drive me insane .
earlier I was thinking that maybe I should stop posting so many play-by-plays of my feelings on here , but everyone tells me writing them out is good for me , so then I thought of making them into private posts . but recently I’ve had a few people approach me about how they actually read and appreciate the things I post here because they identify with some of those feelings and it makes them feel less alone . I really have no idea who all reads any of this or if it helps anyone . I don’t know until they tell me . and I really appreciate it when people do bring it up .
and I’m just stuck here , waiting for results .
there’s no way I can move forward or make any decisions until things are put in motion naturally . for now it’s out of my control .
I seem to realize over and over that I really hate feeling out of control . I guess it’s fear . I hate the idea of things happening to me , because then I feel helpless . so acting on certain desires/situations makes things more predictable . even if it’s negative at least I’m the one making it happen .
obviously this doesn’t apply to everything , in fact socially most people would probably describe me as the polar opposite of a “control freak .”
but , for example , everything I put my body through stems from the desire to have control over it and the frustration that I never will . so when I’m being destructive , it’s not that I think I’m invincible or have a death wish (as my mother has suggested countless times) . it’s just that if I’m going to be subjected to anything I’d rather do it myself . I’ll be fully aware that I’m being unhealthy , but I still do it because even if I really tried my body would just be like fuck you and be unhealthy anyway .
and yeah , maybe that is a pretty stupid perspective . but I’m guessing it’s a quality I’ll have for the rest of my life .
on that note , I think I’m going to go next door and buy a pack of cigarettes even though I told myself I wouldn’t . because lol I’m at an emotional/psychological low and it is probably the worst possible time to quit nicotine . and let’s be honest electric cigarettes are a joke when it comes to anxiety-induced smoking . like I just feel like I’m wasting it for no reason . so .
I wanna know any experience you’ve had with anxiety or acute anxiety , what treatments you’re on/have tried , what’s worked and hasn’t worked and why !
I have a few little things I do personally but I’d like more ideas . I basically was on the verge of an attack tonight and it was pretty out of control (for me) for a while , idk .
how do you deal ? I’m definitely desperate for some remedies .
my anon option is always on btw , if you want to share with other followers I can publish them but I am also down to answer privately of course if you wish !