Anonymous said: Could you explain the whole "i don’t really have depression, i’m actually just a lazy piece of shit" = you've got depression, thing? It rang a bell for me and I'd like to know what you meant. Thanks :)

roachpatrol:

one of the most insidious things about depression is it doesn’t ‘feel’ like depression. even when you have it, you know you have it, you’ve been diagnosed—you still find yourself thinking, no, nope, this isn’t it, can’t be. it’s like the mental illness equivalent of that knight in monty python that keeps going ‘it’s a flesh wound! i’m fine, really! this is just a scratch, i’ll be up in a moment!’ even after all his limbs have been hacked off and he’s lying there helpless.

one of the most common narratives around it is that no one realizes they have depression until they start checking off what they consider to be normal aspects of their lives—and personal character flaws— against the checklist for depression symptoms. really key symptoms include:

  1. lack of motivation
  2. constant tiredness, even exhaustion
  3. finding no pleasure or satisfaction in activities they used to like, or that they know should feel good
  4. not seeing the point of doing anything
  5. increased and even unmanageable anxiety and fearfulness

any one of these symptoms drains away your ability to do work, cope with setbacks, overcome difficulties, or stop procrastinating. multiple symptoms create a pretty perfect storm of intertia and anxious self-loathing. you stop doing anything because it’s hard to get going, unpleasant while you’re at it, and afterwards there’s no reward. why bother, right? and when you’re always tired you get conservative of what little energy you can manage, and when you only feel emotions on the ‘empty to miserable’ spectrum you get really aversive to making mistakes. the whole mess very quickly and very insidiously loads every single thing in your life with toxic emotional baggage.   

and then someone says to you— or you say to yourself, ‘stop being lazy’. and that haunts you forever. because you’re lazy! the work is so easy. everyone else does it. everyone but you, you lazy asshole, lying around all day not doing this totally easy thing that you should be able to but aren’t. you don’t have depression! of course not. mental illness is for victims, is for blameless innocent people who can’t be blamed for being so understandably sick. but you can be blamed. you have a character flaw, and it’s getting worse by the minute. 

and that is how people who have been diagnosed, who have been medicated, who have been through therapy, can still spend all day hiding in bed and chewing themselves up over their failure to just somehow magically be a good, healthy, useful person, instead of treating themselves to a sick day and saying ‘yup! it’s depression. i need to be kind to myself.’

Sep 22nd • 8,772 notes • Tagged: depression.
"

Depression does not always mean
Beautiful girls shattering at the wrists
A glorified, heroic battle for your sanity
Or mothers that never got the chance to say good-bye

Sometimes depression means
Not getting out of bed for three days
Because your feet refuse to believe
That they will not shatter upon impact with the floor

Sometimes depression means
That summoning the willpower
To go downstairs and do the laundry
Is the most impressive thing you accomplish that week

Sometimes depression means
Lying on the floor staring at the ceiling for hours
Because you cannot convince your body
That it is capable of movement

Sometimes depression means
Not being able to write for weeks
Because the only words you have to offer the world
Are trapped and drowning and I swear to God I’m trying

Sometimes depression means
That every single bone in your body aches
But you have to keep going through the motions
Because you are not allowed to call in to work depressed

Sometimes depression means
Ignoring every phone call for an entire month
Because yes, they have the right number
But you’re not the person they’re looking for, not anymore

"
by “Alexandra” Tilton, NH (Teen Ink: November 2013 Issue)

(Source: ughpasta, via touchmeslowly)

Dec 5th • 395,268 notes • Tagged: depression. also really similar to chronic fatigue :/.

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Oct 5th • 1 note • Tagged: personal. depression.
"Yesterday, I spent 60 dollars on groceries,
took the bus home,
carried both bags with two good arms back to my studio apartment
and cooked myself dinner.
You and I may have different definitions of a good day.
This week, I paid my rent and my credit card bill,
worked 60 hours between my two jobs,
only saw the sun on my cigarette breaks
and slept like a rock.
Flossed in the morning,
locked my door,
and remembered to buy eggs.
My mother is proud of me.
It is not the kind of pride she brags about at the golf course.
She doesn’t combat topics like, ”My daughter got into Yale”
with, ”Oh yeah, my daughter remembered to buy eggs”
But she is proud.
See, she remembers what came before this.
The weeks where I forgot how to use my muscles,
how I would stay as silent as a thick fog for weeks.
She thought each phone call from an unknown number was the notice of my suicide.
These were the bad days.
My life was a gift that I wanted to return.
My head was a house of leaking faucets and burnt-out lightbulbs.
Depression, is a good lover.
So attentive; has this innate way of making everything about you.
And it is easy to forget that your bedroom is not the world,
That the dark shadows your pain casts is not mood-lighting.
It is easier to stay in this abusive relationship than fix the problems it has created.
Today, I slept in until 10,
cleaned every dish I own,
fought with the bank,
took care of paperwork.
You and I might have different definitions of adulthood.
I don’t work for salary, I didn’t graduate from college,
but I don’t speak for others anymore,
and I don’t regret anything I can’t genuinely apologize for.
And my mother is proud of me.
I burned down a house of depression,
I painted over murals of greyscale,
and it was hard to rewrite my life into one I wanted to live
But today, I want to live.
I didn’t salivate over sharp knives,
or envy the boy who tossed himself off the Brooklyn bridge.
I just cleaned my bathroom,
did the laundry,
called my brother.
Told him, “it was a good day."
Kait Rokowski (A Good Day)

(Source: justsingyourlifeaway, via withoutasunrise-deactivated2013)

Sep 30th • 201,152 notes • Tagged: damn. depression. suicide mention.

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Aug 5th • 2 notes • Tagged: drug use. depression. personal. I miss klonopin???.
spacecricket:

Hyperbole and a Half posted again, and everyone needs to read it because:
If you are depressed, it will resonate with you like whoa.
If you are not depressed, it will clarify some stereotypes about depression that need to be said. An explanation like this has been needed for a LONG time.
If you know someone who is depressed, you’ll be better at interacting with them after reading this.

spacecricket:

Hyperbole and a Half posted again, and everyone needs to read it because:

  • If you are depressed, it will resonate with you like whoa.
  • If you are not depressed, it will clarify some stereotypes about depression that need to be said. An explanation like this has been needed for a LONG time.
  • If you know someone who is depressed, you’ll be better at interacting with them after reading this.

(via bloodandthunderp)

May 9th • 29,756 notes • Tagged: yeeuup. depression. suicide tw. ? kinda.

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Dec 22nd • 1 note • Tagged: personal. mental health. physical health. chronic illness. depression. tw?. anxiety. meds.

shit day.

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Oct 2nd • 1 note • Tagged: personal. anxiety. depression. reoccurances. common themes in my life right now. hint: all of them suck. self-hate-loathing-deprecation. lol. I hope no one responds because if I know people read this I'll feel like a whiny little bitch uhg.
"people with chronic pain may suffer from: depression, anxiety, difficulty focusing, lack of sleep"
lololol
and people wonder why I don’t always function very well……..
oh u kno, just my body and my brain plotting to destroy my quality of life, nbd!

"people with chronic pain may suffer from: depression, anxiety, difficulty focusing, lack of sleep"

lololol

and people wonder why I don’t always function very well……..

oh u kno, just my body and my brain plotting to destroy my quality of life, nbd!

(Source: createyourmind, via lifewithautoimmune)

Sep 16th • 664 notes • Tagged: uhg. chronic pain. chronic illness. depression. anxiety. insomnia. gpoy. literally my life.
chronicillnesscat:

[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat.Text reads: “Been depressed for 6 years. Boyfriend tells you that you can easily stop being sad all the time.”]  
I have Fibromyalgia and a couple other undiagnosed chronic illnesses along with an undiagnosed mental illness. My boyfriend just doesn’t understand why I’m depressed and why I’m not happy. He can’t comprehend that there isn’t a magical cure for depression, along with any chronic illness. It’s just very frustrating to hear from someone you love, “Stop being sad all the time.”

oh hm reminds me of my ex, 

chronicillnesscat:

[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat.Text reads: “Been depressed for 6 years. Boyfriend tells you that you can easily stop being sad all the time.”]  

I have Fibromyalgia and a couple other undiagnosed chronic illnesses along with an undiagnosed mental illness. My boyfriend just doesn’t understand why I’m depressed and why I’m not happy. He can’t comprehend that there isn’t a magical cure for depression, along with any chronic illness. It’s just very frustrating to hear from someone you love, “Stop being sad all the time.”

oh hm reminds me of my ex, 

Aug 31st • 98 notes • Tagged: fibromyalgia. depression. chronic illness. mental illness. submission.


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