lookin fre$$$h. excited to finally get the fuck out of my house
I didn’t know it was humanly possible to really miss someone so much. I don’t know how in such a short time I could come to care about and need you in my life so much. But that’s what happened. Every day different little things remind me of you multiple times a day. No matter how much time has passed, your presence crosses my mind all the time. I’ve noticed that the pain has gotten easier to live with. I don’t get upset as often when I think about you. I miss you like hell, but I guess the absence is becoming less painful to deal with. It’s just become a new reality. Recently I think I am understanding you more and more. I feel like I have gained some insight into some of the pain you suffered and the feelings you harbored. I might be going through different situations and emotions but I feel like there are many parallels. I have never felt suicidal, especially after you left, and I have tried to be fiercely adamant about that fact. But there have been many moments recently where I have felt as if I wanted to disappear and cease to exist. I don’t want to die, but I just don’t want to exist. I’ve been feeling like every day I’m not living so much as surviving through it. I have felt almost unbearable guilt for everyone that is close to me for being involved in my personal struggles and suffering. They are all wonderful people who, as much as they should, still do not resent me despite everything I put them through. I feel like such a burden just for being alive and having them be a part of it. I think in the back of my mind I have intense fears of those people leaving at some point because ultimately they have a choice to support me and fight with me, but I could never force them in any way to stay. I feel like it wouldn’t be fair of me to ask that of anyone. I feel so fucked up and I am subjecting everyone in my life to all of my problems. I realize that no one is at fault and I should not feel so guilty for things that are out of my control. Realistically everyone has their own issues and struggles, just to different degrees. It is frustrating to know that I am the only one who truly knows what it’s like inside my body and mind, and I feel bad for others who are only trying to understand. I get upset when people try to tell me how to feel because as much as I’d like to be able to change that I try and try but I can’t. As much as I can’t change the disease in my body, I also can’t change the anxiety and depression that afflicts me because I have this illness. As much as I can try to think positively and be hopeful, recently it has become impossible. It is an uphill battle. And I imagine that if I could know what you were thinking a lot of it would be very similar. I realized tonight that I’ve sort of come to accept that there’s a significant possibility I’ll end up somewhat isolated and alone for much of my life in the future. I don’t want to bring people into my life because I feel like they don’t deserve to constantly have to take care of me and worry about me. There are already a few people who have chosen to do that and I don’t have the right to tell them what to do, it’s their decision. It is scary to think that at some point they could reach their absolute limit and be forced to leave just so they can lead a life of their own, one that I think would be better and more fulfilling without me and all my various needs. I want you to know that if you had reached out to me I would always stand by you as best as I could. As bad or as burdensome as you thought your life had become, I would fight by your side forever, unconditionally. Nothing could have driven me away from you. Our bond was and is very unique. The kind of thing that isn’t fleeting and impossible to break. Remembering you has kept me going more than you could know. I wish I was a stronger person to take your pain away so that you would no longer have to endure it and fight it every day. I wish I had been more aware of it and less wrapped up in my own struggles. I wish you would have chosen to share feelings that were bigger than you and that you didn’t feel you could live with on your own. You wouldn’t have been on your own. I understand how and somewhat why you felt like death was your best and only option. I cannot blame you for that, although at first I wanted to. I do believe and think that it has brought you peace, which is the exact opposite of how you felt at the end of your life on this earth. I’m grateful that your time of suffering is over. Now it’s my turn. I am in the midst of my time of suffering and if I somehow find out a way to end it or make it better you’ll be the first to know. In my mind, death has always been inevitable but never a viable option for some reason. It’s a specific and permanent kind of loss that I could never bring myself to put on anyone that I care about, or even that I don’t exactly care about. I know we’re different people and you just did what you thought you had to do. I feel like in a lot of ways I can understand how you could come to that decision. There’s no changing it now, it is what it is. It is tragic and painful but that is just the nature of some things. There’s a lot I was looking forward to sharing with you. And I’m still going to, it will just be in a different way. You will never not be a part of my life because you are in my soul. You will always be in my memories, my heart, and on my mind. And in that sense we are together always. I hate the phrase “everything happens for a reason” because it’s so dismissive to me. I wish you were still physically here. I wish you had chosen to continue living. I don’t think there’s a reason that you’re not here, besides the fact that it was a choice you made, in the sense that you probably saw it as the only choice at that point. I guess losing you has taught me “lessons” or what have you and given me a very specific life experience. The same goes for everyone else you left here. But I don’t think any of those things are reasons. I think sometimes life doesn’t make sense and everything would be better if you were alive, but you’re not coming back. Accepting that as fact and dismissing it as happening for some “reason” are not the same thing. I’ve stopped feeling anger towards you because it’s completely pointless and unfair. It makes me sad, and I’ll be sad about it for the rest of my life. But above all I just really love you with all my heart and even though I don’t really believe in a heaven or “life after death” or anything like that… the comfort I seek can be found in the fact that you’re no longer in the worst pain imaginable. That you’re no longer living each day wishing you were dead. Because I think a lifetime of that is probably a much worse fate. I don’t hope to leave this world anytime soon but I am certainly dissatisfied and unhappy being here at this point in time. I can only hope that I will not always feel this way and that happiness and goodness are possible again. You always made me believe in that. You give me strength to get through anything. And I’m so grateful for that. I feel like I owe you so much more. I’m so lucky to have known such an amazing and beautiful soul. I wouldn’t give that up for anything. I guess I just really want you to know how much you mean to me, Rachel. You’re still my best friend and I’ll never stop loving you.